I’ve been living a switchback life. You know, the kind of life that seems to meander like a road or trail that swings now this way, then that way, moving back and forth, usually on a steep path. Skiers ski downhill that way because the path is steep and they need to manage their speed. Roads and railroads follow a similar style going uphill when the climb is steep and hard to navigate. My life runs that way not because a straight path is dangerous or difficult, and not because I get tired of being here or there, but because I embrace too many projects. I’m interested in and try to work on them all, moving from one to another serially, back and forth, hoping to make some progress on each one. But honestly, it often feels like I’m getting nowhere.
Here and there, this then that, is something a lot of us do, I suspect, switching from one task to another and back again. People often call it multi-tasking. But I’m not so much a multi-tasker as I am a “dedicated dabbler.” A dabbler because I want to do so many different things; dedicated because each one is more a serious desire than a whim. I’ve felt vaguely guilty about this lifestyle.
There was a time when my tendency to dabble was suppressed, when I was laser-focused on one thing: my spiritual life and ministry. There were other things I longed to do but they all fell to the side as I was consumed by the singular overwhelming desire that drove me then: to deepen my communion with God and help others do the same. Now, in retirement, without a church congregation to lead or a clear sense of being called to a ministry, I’ve been freely wandering through this new chapter of my life, switching back and forth from one project to another. It has felt like a liberation. But I’m not free of the desire to actually accomplish something. I count 7 or 8 major projects I’m pursuing now and I don’t really want to let any of them go. Each one gives me life. (If anything, I’d like to add a few in the area of play rather than work: learn to ride horseback, swim regularly, go dancing.)
Sometimes in the past I’ve envied Billy Graham for his life-long, single-minded focus on his ministry for Christ. At other times (most of the time) I envy people like Leonardo Da Vinci or Thomas Edison, who could do so many things and excel at them all. (Secretly I wish I could be a Renaissance woman after the model of Da Vinci for his wide-ranging exploration of science, art, and humanity, but I don’t have the skills, or even the physical stamina.)
So I live a switchback life because I can’t seem to narrow my focus anymore. I guess I need to make peace with that. For now.